Craziness

It's been a crazy couple of months, but I am finally down to wire. I finish my treatments in about a month. 2 more treatments and then I should be completely healthy again. I feel better than ever at this moment, more energy, happier, and a new outlook on life. I know after this experience things will never be the same with me. I have lost friends and people I cared about, but I also realized who truly honestly cared about me. I'm content that I have those people in my life, even if there are one or two that I very rarely get to see and miss terribly.

Losing my hair was probably the hardest part of this. I was able to handle the looks of pity, rude comments, the not knowing what going to happen next, but the hair loss was to rough. It was like I lost a part of who I was, I haven't felt like the same person, or beautiful in such a long time. It's still a little hard to look at my self in the mirror at times, but what I see is not me. It was just so hard....sometimes I still cry over it. I mean a lot of me was wrapped up into my hair and I didn't realize it until I lost it.

I have always appreciated the small things in life, like the sunset thunderstorms, nature...but not I appreciate them even more. There is so much around us that we simply take for granted, and when faced with a life altering disease I see the beauty in everything around me. I actually do stop and smell the roses.

Cancer was the hardest thing in my life, but it was also one of the best.

Where's This Going?

So I graduated let's see....about 6 months ago and I still have no job. It's not like I'm not out there looking for them...I am, it's just that no one calls me back or I'm not qualified enough to work for them. It seems everything I try to do I'm just not qualified for and I have to ask myself, how am I supposed to get more experience and be qualified if no one will give me a chance?

So here's what it looks like I'm doing, going back to college....Cal U to be exact. And I'm following advice of many people around me and try teaching and see how that pans out. Granted I will be stepping out of my comfort zone, but maybe that's something I need to do. I can't live my life in my comfort zone right?

The time not working has given me a chance to write more. I'm not exactly happy with anything that I have written, but hey it's something...better than not writing and working on stuff.

I've given up on the idea of love all I do is get hurt soooo I'm just not gonna try anymore. I've told a couple people that I'll just become a Pentecostal Nun, but that may not oh so easy. So for the time being I'm focusing on God and see where He leads me. Maybe He'll lead me to the one He's set out for me...I know in His time not mine. I'm learning that a lot lately.

Song of the moment: Let The Fire Fall

"Lord send down the rain
Pour out Your spirit
Let the fire fall
Heal us one and all
Fall fresh on me"

Student Loans

SO I'm trying to forbear my students loans because I am currently unemployed and recently graduated. First of they want $150 to process the application. Now they already know I cannot make the payments so they expect me to pay $150 to postpone payments. And then when payments do start back up in a year, i would have to pay $942 a month that's way over the amount I should be paying now. SO either way I'm screwd.

So instead I applied for a deferance and hopefully that gets accepted and I can hold of on my payments til I do find a job and be able to catch up on all my bills and stuff. Sometimes I wish I never went to college....ah the joys of being in the real world.

lifeness

So I was thinking today and I decided, I'm not happy where I am in life. I mean...there are certain aspects of my life that I could not live without such as my friends. But I dont want to be here...meaning I don't want to be in Pa anymore yet at the same time there are people I can't imagine leaving and the fact that I can't move somewhere where I don't know anyone...I hate being alone for many reasons. I hate being dependant on other people (and yes for those who know I am workin on getting my license). I being in the same place day in and day out is driving me in sane. I go no where except this house and this small town.

I think critical thinking/analysis is like my dream job, yet at the same time where would I work? I mean I would like teaching, but at the high school or college age, but at the same time would I be the kind of teacher that gets locked in the closest (yes that has happened at Bentworth)...

I think it all boils down to that same questions that haunts my thoughts....where do I belong, what's my worth to employers...and I honestly don't know the answer.....marketing myself better...hmm how to do that when I have virtually no skills and pretty much scared to death of being around masses of people. I can read and write...there are my skills. WHOOPY-WEE

Where I belong

In response to a blog posted on myspace, Jeremy asked "where do you belong" and since then I have been thinking about it. And honestly I have no freaking clue of to where I belong. I don't seem to fit in anywhere or in anything. And surprising, I'm somewhat ok with that. In a sense it gives me more of the feeling that God is in control of my life not me. Not knowing where my next step in life will be, gives me a chance to really think and appreciate some of the things I do have in my life. I've found peace knowing God will take care of everything from a job to the romantic aspect of my life. The problem is one moment I feel I know where I am going and then something happens that makes me doubt whether or not I'm on the right path.

So where do I belong....I belong on a path with God. Though I may not know where it leads, I'm ready to walk it.