Doubt

I've decided that now I'm no longer in a relationship and not focused on trying to keep it alive when it obviously was dead a long time ago; I'm focusing on my relationship with God. I've been in the word more, prayed more, even found more music I could listen to other then the secular stuff (I still listen to that, but need more Christian based stuff.) Mom and I even started going to a new church and I go to Bible study on Wednesday nights which is great cause I have a small fellowship, granted everyone is much older then me, but still I love it.

It's just at the moment doubt is creeping into my heart a lot lately. I can't find a job, everywhere I apply to I'm not qualified for for one reason or another. That leaves me with bills piling up. I applied to Cal U and got accepted so I thought I would start there in Jan. but I can't because I can't get a loan, because I've defaulted on the ones that I have. I'm finding myself in a catch 22. I can't get a job because I'm not experienced, I can't get experience b/c I can't get a loan, I can't get the loan because I don't have a job to pay for the ones I have. I know God will provide what I need and he has. I've been doing a freelance thing for a while, but that doesn't help a whole lot. I'm grateful for it though.

I'm starting to doubt that I'm to go anywhere in life. I've dreamed of starting a magazine and even a jazz club, but both I have no idea how to do either. I don't know where I'm supposed to go in my life or what this life is for. At ti mes I do get bummed out about not being able to find someone to treat me right. I know God will lead me to the right guy, but I'm tired of getting hurt in the mean-time. I don't know....

Church

Mom and I decided to check out the River of Life church not far from the house. The first Sunday we went I fell in love with it. It's exactly what I am looking for in a church, while for mom... a little too untraditional, but she's willing to give it a chance and get used to mainly worship. This Sunday she was really getting into it so I don't think that would take all too long.

I already for comfortable around members and Pastor Paul. Who mentioned a young adult class I should check out at the church so I'll think about that, and he mentioned me reading some of my poetry. He also wants to help me market my book and get it into small stores which is simply great! God is already moving in my life through this church after only 2 Sundays. I'm so excited and on fire....This is what I have missed since I graduated RMU. I missed Chi Alpha's atmosphere and the people, and I found it again in ROL.

I can't wait to see what else God is going to do in my life.

Song of the moment: Jesus Lover of My Soul
"Jesus lover of my soul,
Jesus I will never let you go
You've taken me from the miry clay,
Set my feet upon the rock and now I know
I love you I need you I will worship you until the very end."

Education

Well I've thought about it and forgot about it, and I decided to go back to college. I mean I already have aa BA in English, but that's really not taking me far, everything needs exp. and other places I'm too experienced for. So I am going back to college to finish up with Secondary Education with a concentration on English. Then once I finish that it's on to my masters in English and hopefully a PhD in English as well, and then I could teach college which is my goal, all the while being a youth minister.

I wasn't sure if this was the path I was supposed to take so I left it up to God. I payed for guidance with this decision. That he would show me the path He has set out for me. Then a couple days ago all the housing information came in the mail and I thought to myself, "well I guess this is my path afterall" I'm not sure how I will do as a teacher in any education level, but I'm leaving it up to God. He'll guide me and be beside me through it all. And like Gabriel told Mary "With God all things are possible."

So one aspect of my life is figured out :-) I no longer will stress about jobs and what am I going to do next. I already know of a bunch of schools in need now or will be in need of teachers so I'm dedicated to following this path and seeing where it will lead me.

Monster

So I recently read this book called "Monster" written by Frank Peretti. It's a faith based novel, yet the faith isn't like in your face. Well anyway it's basically about finding faith in God through any situation, along with some side lessons, like creation vs evolution and one should not try to "play God." I highly enjoyed the bok I mean I read it within a day. Like I said the basic lesson is that one should find faith in God no matter what the situation is.

I've been thinking about the novel and how it could pertain to me and I realized one of my biggest troubles, is that I don't trust God through any situation. I mean I do trust and have faith in God, but there are times when I doubt and wonder if he hears my cries. I wonder if he knows that one of his children is in distress and needs him more than anything. Does that mean I don't have as much faith as I think? I mean no is perfect, but shouldn't our faith be?

I have a special verse that keeps me going through so much "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee" I try to keep this in my mind nad heart, but sometimes...it seems like it isn't enough.

Spiritual Gifts

So I have been reading my Bible trying to gather information on the various spiritual gifts. I’m trying to find what they are and pretty much how the benefit believers. So far all I have found has been about the gift of prophecy and the gift of speaking unknown languages. I also think there is something on the gift of teaching, but I haven’t read it yet.

From what I have gathered, the gift of prophecy is the most coveted because it takes the most faith and benefits the most people. Prophecy benefits the whole church while speaking unknown languages benefit the speaker, but speaking in tongue is only a benefit when there is an interpreter. Prophecy is not only predicting the future, but also delivering a message from God.

Speaking in tongue needs to have an interpreter with it (interpretation is another gift of the spirit). If one speaks in tongue without the interpreter, how will anyone, even the speaker, know what is being said. When one prays in tongue it is the spirit speaking not the person. If they understand the words, then both mind and spirit are involved and gains better understanding of spiritual needs over earthly needs.

Not everyone has the same gifts. One person may be a prophet while another may be a teacher, or have the gift of knowledge, or intercessory. Whatever the gifts may be we as Christians need to pray for understanding of the gifts and how to use them in order to give glory to God, instead of our selfish desires. The gifts of the spirit are meant to strengthen faith….use the gift to strengthen our faith, and the faith of others.

Where I belong

In response to a blog posted on myspace, Jeremy asked "where do you belong" and since then I have been thinking about it. And honestly I have no freaking clue of to where I belong. I don't seem to fit in anywhere or in anything. And surprising, I'm somewhat ok with that. In a sense it gives me more of the feeling that God is in control of my life not me. Not knowing where my next step in life will be, gives me a chance to really think and appreciate some of the things I do have in my life. I've found peace knowing God will take care of everything from a job to the romantic aspect of my life. The problem is one moment I feel I know where I am going and then something happens that makes me doubt whether or not I'm on the right path.

So where do I belong....I belong on a path with God. Though I may not know where it leads, I'm ready to walk it.