Doubt

I've decided that now I'm no longer in a relationship and not focused on trying to keep it alive when it obviously was dead a long time ago; I'm focusing on my relationship with God. I've been in the word more, prayed more, even found more music I could listen to other then the secular stuff (I still listen to that, but need more Christian based stuff.) Mom and I even started going to a new church and I go to Bible study on Wednesday nights which is great cause I have a small fellowship, granted everyone is much older then me, but still I love it.

It's just at the moment doubt is creeping into my heart a lot lately. I can't find a job, everywhere I apply to I'm not qualified for for one reason or another. That leaves me with bills piling up. I applied to Cal U and got accepted so I thought I would start there in Jan. but I can't because I can't get a loan, because I've defaulted on the ones that I have. I'm finding myself in a catch 22. I can't get a job because I'm not experienced, I can't get experience b/c I can't get a loan, I can't get the loan because I don't have a job to pay for the ones I have. I know God will provide what I need and he has. I've been doing a freelance thing for a while, but that doesn't help a whole lot. I'm grateful for it though.

I'm starting to doubt that I'm to go anywhere in life. I've dreamed of starting a magazine and even a jazz club, but both I have no idea how to do either. I don't know where I'm supposed to go in my life or what this life is for. At ti mes I do get bummed out about not being able to find someone to treat me right. I know God will lead me to the right guy, but I'm tired of getting hurt in the mean-time. I don't know....