Craziness

It's been a crazy couple of months, but I am finally down to wire. I finish my treatments in about a month. 2 more treatments and then I should be completely healthy again. I feel better than ever at this moment, more energy, happier, and a new outlook on life. I know after this experience things will never be the same with me. I have lost friends and people I cared about, but I also realized who truly honestly cared about me. I'm content that I have those people in my life, even if there are one or two that I very rarely get to see and miss terribly.

Losing my hair was probably the hardest part of this. I was able to handle the looks of pity, rude comments, the not knowing what going to happen next, but the hair loss was to rough. It was like I lost a part of who I was, I haven't felt like the same person, or beautiful in such a long time. It's still a little hard to look at my self in the mirror at times, but what I see is not me. It was just so hard....sometimes I still cry over it. I mean a lot of me was wrapped up into my hair and I didn't realize it until I lost it.

I have always appreciated the small things in life, like the sunset thunderstorms, nature...but not I appreciate them even more. There is so much around us that we simply take for granted, and when faced with a life altering disease I see the beauty in everything around me. I actually do stop and smell the roses.

Cancer was the hardest thing in my life, but it was also one of the best.

Pains

I know throughout all this I will have various different pains, physical and emotional, but it's those pains I will remember and that will help make me stronger throughout this. As well as help bring me closer to those in my support system. I know I cannot go through this journey without pain at all I know I will have pain no matter what it is or how intense. But it's my support system and faith in God that will help me through this and overcome those pains. This isn't going to be an easy road to travel, but it's doable, I will be able to travel this path, but I will not be doing it alone. I can't let anything bring me down from my mountain. Pastor Marvin keeps telling me to stay on the mountain and avoid the valley, and thats what I'm going to try and do and with my support system I will be able to do it.

The physical pains will past and some may come again. But the emotional ones are the ones that linger and will destroy me if I let them. I try to talk everything out even if it is only to my cat and God. Even if my friends are unable to listen because of their own busy lives, I know God is there to listen, as is y cat I mean where is she gonna go LOL.

I will survive this and become stronger through my pains.

Cancer

Just a few weeks ago I was face to face with a doctor telling me I have cancer: Hodgkin's Disease to be exact. He proceeds to tell me about treatments and what's to come, but all I can focus on are the words "You have cancer." It's like facing my own death, even though he is telling me in a few short months I will be cured.

My type of lymphoma is the best kind. It responds best to the chemo and everything that when I am healed I won't have to worry about it coming back. Even with that in my head, I still have days when I cry out and ask why. The only explanation I have as of to why I have this illness is that "It just happens" and that's the hardest thing for me to deal with. There has to be a reason why this happens not only to me but others who have it.

I know I will survive, and the color I am using in this post and more to come, is the color of lymphoma awareness color. I have been through two surgeries so far and three different tests, and there will be more of both to come, but I am ready to take on this battle and I WILL WIN!