So yea

So I realized tonight that I had more issues to deal with than I ever thought I did. Most of which deal with my biological father: Larry. In a nutshell he was the worst possible man to be a father, he would do things that anyone in their right mind would never do. Things he said still haunt me to this day (I heard most when I was 5). Even though I haven't seen this man in gosh almost 20 years, I can still remember what he looks like (You're typical hippie but with a fro). I already know most of my thoughts are because of him. I had thought that I would never think about this man again. Why should I? He obviously doesn't think about me. I know I look like him and that's a hard thing to deal with, wondering if I remind my mom of him.

I am in a constant battle with myself of whether or not it would be good for me to try and find him again. What good could that possibly bring? If he didn't want anything to do with me 20 years ago, why would possibly want anything to do with me now? There are days when I want to find him, to talk to him, to find out why. But there are days when I look back on my life and remember things he said and think I would only get hurt more this time. I don't even know why I want him to be a part of my life...all he did was hurt me and like I said he was never the greatest father to me and Brandon. I honestly think he doesn't even remember he has two kids. Nights I just simply cry knowing that my own father wants nothing to do with me...How can anyone else?