So yea

So I realized tonight that I had more issues to deal with than I ever thought I did. Most of which deal with my biological father: Larry. In a nutshell he was the worst possible man to be a father, he would do things that anyone in their right mind would never do. Things he said still haunt me to this day (I heard most when I was 5). Even though I haven't seen this man in gosh almost 20 years, I can still remember what he looks like (You're typical hippie but with a fro). I already know most of my thoughts are because of him. I had thought that I would never think about this man again. Why should I? He obviously doesn't think about me. I know I look like him and that's a hard thing to deal with, wondering if I remind my mom of him.

I am in a constant battle with myself of whether or not it would be good for me to try and find him again. What good could that possibly bring? If he didn't want anything to do with me 20 years ago, why would possibly want anything to do with me now? There are days when I want to find him, to talk to him, to find out why. But there are days when I look back on my life and remember things he said and think I would only get hurt more this time. I don't even know why I want him to be a part of my life...all he did was hurt me and like I said he was never the greatest father to me and Brandon. I honestly think he doesn't even remember he has two kids. Nights I just simply cry knowing that my own father wants nothing to do with me...How can anyone else?

Writing

I have been writing alot on this break. It's given me a chance to look at not only my writing but also the writing of my friend Kevin. We've gotten into the habit of helping each other out. I ventured into the land of short stories. I'm not sure if the three I have are any good or anything, but at least I'm trying something different right? Having creatve writing this past semester has helped my outlook on how I write and how to enhance my poetry. Dr. Carson said something that I think I could not only use in my writing, but in my life as well. He told me to quit hiding. Show more of myself. Maybe I do hide the person that is me, but don't we all at some level? At some level we don't want people to know who we truely are, and for what reason? Everyone hides an aspect of themselves for different reasons. Are we all really afraid of what people would say or think about us? Do we think once people know the real us they would no longer like us or even try to change us?

The question for me is what is it that I am hiding? Why don't I want people to see who I am...it's not bad, or is it out of simple fear that once someone knows the true me they would run like many others in my past....