RMU Idol

Each spring semester, RMU has it's own little American Idol: RMU Idol. People get up make fools out of themselves and get judged by three professors. For the past three years I have been telling Justin that I was going to do it. Since this is my senior year, I was actually debating whether or not to do and seriously put myself on the line.

I realized while thinking about this and some other things in my life that my biggest fear is not only being alone, but also failure and falling on my face. I have put myself on the line a couple times and have been destroyed so to speak. Apparently one of my biggest problems within my poetry is that I am "hiding" behind my work (compliments of Dr. Carson). Sometimes I want to hide because I don't want people to know the real me; to know who is Jenn. I found out this week that I am a friend's project. What that means I have no idea, but now I feel like a guinea pig whose every action is being charted, and yet this person knows nothing about me. Even my roommates don't "know" me in the sense that I still hide a great deal from everyone in my life. I think there maybe only one person who really knew me, but we are too busy that we've lost sight of each other. I've lost good friends because they found out things that surprised them and in a sense scared them off. Anytime that I do try to open and honest about who I am; it blows up in my face and as always, I fall on my face and somehow and the one hurt or the one being unrational.

What would happen if people knew who I truely was? Would I still be someone's little project to be poked at, trying to get inside my head and see what makes me tick; or will the attempt to "make me stronger"?

Law School

So I have been debating whether or not to go to Law school, with a primary focus on copyright law. I have been asked many times what exactly is copyright law. Basically it is the protection of a writer's work and that could range from "writing" writing to graphic design and movies. Now I'm exactly sure if I will be ABLE to go to law school, not only mentally, but physically as well. So far I only have one friend who is behind me and thinks I will be able to do it, and that it would benefit me in various ways. The thought of the LSATs scare the living daylights out of me and I'm not going to mention the analogy tests I would have to take. Three or four hours of analogies yicks. The GMATs I haven't even thought about yet either. Would I be able to work the long hours, endure the stress and possible failure (greatest fear is failure). Even if I do get through law school would I even be a good enough lawyer?

SHould I even attempt or stay with working as a literary agent or a publish (praying on this internship, won't know until Novemeber)? Take the risk, or take the safe raod? I found each time I take a risk I either fall flat on my face, or get tossed on my face. I don't want to continue to fall/get tossed on my face anymore.

Career Fair

A career fair can be many things to many people, but to a senior it's like a hodgepodge of employers just looking for someone like them. I unfortunately am one of those seniors who went to the fair with no clue as of to what I want to do with the rest of my life. What can an English major do??

So my day started off alright American Lit boring as usual. Then I come home to print out a couple of resumes. Now having my resume is important when I want to apply for jobs. My printer decides that it wants to fly out the window, so it prints smiley faces for the second time this semester. Instead of my name and address there was smiley face! frickin smiley faces! I wanted to fling out the window and watch it tumble to the ground, but the realized my window doesn't open that far. After smacking it and yelling it finally printed my four resumes.

I went to a publishing company/literary agency in Pittsburgh and applied for an internship for next semester so keeping my fingers crcossed for that one. Then I went to Gateway Newspapers. BAD Idea! The lady there was old and bitter. Pretty much said although my sentence structure is good, everything in it was b.s. like the dates of the things I followed up on. Then a nice gentleman walked past said hi and that he would come back later because he saw she was with me, her response "not very observant are you." I just wanted to take my resume and walk away but that would have been rude. The last place I went to was Bradly Communications, still not quite sure what they do, but the lady (named Jodi) said for me to send her some of my writing and maybe she could get me some freelancing stuff.

What a day and it's not even over yet. Wonder what is instore for the rest of my wednesday. Maybe tomorrow will be better with my 2 presentations.

90's Song of the Day:: "Foolish Games": Jewel

Fire Alarms

What is the worst possible way to be awoken?? Pitcher of water, ice maybe....How about an ear piercing "twitter" as Lindsey described it ringing at mid-night. Last night Missy and I were talking about her day at work and how hectic it was when our fire alarm screached. Lindsey staggered out thinking it was a dream. Donya had this dazed look on her face when we tried to explain that it was a fire drill. Let me paint the picture of us leaving the apartment; Donya had no contacts in or her glasses on, so she and I linked arms so she wouldn't fall, Lindsey and MIssy did the same so as not to loss each other in the chaos. We finally get outside and I realize the HARD way that silk p.j. bottoms are not made to be standing outside in the middle of October for half an hour. In the midst of all this, we realized that Donya and I have the same perscription and the guys in Marshall apparently like to have pillow fights in the lobby (I found this disturbing, just alittle.) Oh yea on the way back in Donya almost fell down the stairs, taking me with her. So needless to say we had no water for who knows how long, I was just happy I got to take a shower this morning before creative writing.

I already know this week is going to be an interesting one and will most likely leave me in more of a state of confusion than I already am. Somehow because Missy, Amante, Kali, and I are the first four done with the cases in Comp. Info. Systems, we get 50 bonus points all together and the ability to lead the class in the next big project. My semester is already stressful enough to the point where I feel the need to be liberated (what does a liberator do when she needs liberated??), so now lets pile on being responsible for making sure a fourth of the class gets their work done for this major project. I know I am whinning about it, but I am already feeling the physical aspect of too much stress (I can hardly breathe w/o pain). Not to mention I just totally broke a nail playing Frisbee, and it really hurt!

Sometime I wonder, if I can bear everything thrown at me or if sometime soon I am going a crumble to the ground with no hope of fixing me. What else does my life have in store for me? And will I ever be able to live the life of a 23 year old instead of one twice my age (in the fact that all i have been through could last 23 more years)?

90's Song of the Day: "How Could An Angel Break My Heart": Toni Braxton

Upside down

How can it be that one person can turn our world completely upside down? Our life could be semi-decent and then this one person could say one simple thing and turn our world into a complete state of confusion where we don't know where up or down is. It would be all fine and dandy if you would talk to this person right? But no, said person begins avoiding you and doesn't want to talk to you hence leaving you in this world of pure confusion; walking around with the deer in headlights look.

I know I am never going to understand the "rules" of certain things in life but there are times when I do want to understand things that include me in them. But when the other person (or people) involved refuses to talk about a certain situation, it just makes life a lot harder and confusioning. It leaves many questions unanswered just floating in the air such as: if we have gotten to "this point", where do we go from here? More importantly, what point are we at? Where are we (and not in the sense of you being there and I being here)? Where do we stand in each other's eyes?

If a conversation needs to be had, it is more unhealthy to avoid it and not have it, then to avoid it for the fear that it may lead to something. If we don't do things out of fear of what could possibly happen then nothing would be accomplished in life. What if the thing we fear is actually the thing we want and are afraid of that fact; afraid of what that could mean? Afraid of actually wanting to see what the outome of anything would be? Is the "healthy thing" really to avoid the subject/person all together? Or is it to face the subject/person and find out, take that step into a territory that may seem frightening, but in reality could be something good, something worthwhile?

90's Song of the day:: "I Want It That Way": Backstreet Boys