RMU Idol

Each spring semester, RMU has it's own little American Idol: RMU Idol. People get up make fools out of themselves and get judged by three professors. For the past three years I have been telling Justin that I was going to do it. Since this is my senior year, I was actually debating whether or not to do and seriously put myself on the line.

I realized while thinking about this and some other things in my life that my biggest fear is not only being alone, but also failure and falling on my face. I have put myself on the line a couple times and have been destroyed so to speak. Apparently one of my biggest problems within my poetry is that I am "hiding" behind my work (compliments of Dr. Carson). Sometimes I want to hide because I don't want people to know the real me; to know who is Jenn. I found out this week that I am a friend's project. What that means I have no idea, but now I feel like a guinea pig whose every action is being charted, and yet this person knows nothing about me. Even my roommates don't "know" me in the sense that I still hide a great deal from everyone in my life. I think there maybe only one person who really knew me, but we are too busy that we've lost sight of each other. I've lost good friends because they found out things that surprised them and in a sense scared them off. Anytime that I do try to open and honest about who I am; it blows up in my face and as always, I fall on my face and somehow and the one hurt or the one being unrational.

What would happen if people knew who I truely was? Would I still be someone's little project to be poked at, trying to get inside my head and see what makes me tick; or will the attempt to "make me stronger"?