Emerson

"In the woods, we return to reason and faith. There I feel that nothing can befal me in life -- no disgrace, no calamity (leaving me my eyes) which
nature cannot repair. Standing on the bare ground -- my head bathed by the blithe air, and uplifted into infinte space, -- all mean egoism vanishes. I become a transparent eyeball. I am nothing. I see all. The currents of the Universal Being circulate through me; I am a part or particle of God" first chapeter of Nature R. W. Emerson

What is Emerson saying? What does he mean by "a transparent eyeball"? Emerson wants us to realize that we are a part of God. We are a transparent eyeball that sees everything. We are a intricate part of a bigger design, and only in nature can one realize this. It is only in nature that we are left with nothing, but faith. Faith that we will forever be protected whether it is by God or nature. Nature tends to give us a sense of peace and tranquility that can only come from God.

"The presence of a higher, namely, of the spiritual element is essential to its perfection. The high and divine beauty which can be loved without effeminacy, is that which is found in combination with the human will and never separate, Beauty is the mark God sets upon virtue. Every natural action is graceful." Chapter 3 of Nature

Again we are a part of God. Everything we do or that is done in nature has beauty and grace, simply because it all comes from God. "The presence of a higher, namely, of a spiritual element is essential to its perfection." We are "perfect" to say the least, because God is present in our lives. The combination of our will and God's love makes us beautiful. There is not a thing in life that is "ugly" to God. He sees us all as having beauty. Without God in our lives we are nothing. Emerson emphasises throughout the essay to not only find ourselves through nature but also realize that we are a portion of God. We are a part of God and He is a part of us.

Think I have a career as a literary critic?

Shakespeare

Last year I did three papers on Shakespeare's "Mid Summer's Night Dream." I focused alot on certain scenes within the play. The more I read and studied it, the more I felt that this play was Shakespeare's own thoughts on sexuality (sp). If you are unfamiliar with the play, there are basically two/three plots. In the second scene of act 2 Puck confused Hermia and Lysander for Demetrius and Helena, because of one thing, they were not sleeping next to each other. At one point Titania "falls in love" with Bottom (who was turned into a donkey) and woo's him and slepts with him in one night. To Puck if you love someone, express that love. He and the other fairies felt that everyone should be open to love and open to expressing that love by whatever means possible. Simply because Hermia and Lysander were not sleeping next to each other, he thought they weren't in love. In my mind, these ideas are how Shakespeare himself felt and they way he could express them was through the play. I'm still studing the play, so I'm sure I'd be able to develop my argument better. :)

Love is something that should be easy to express. It shouldn't be hard to say why you love someone. A friend says she loves a guy, but can't say why she loves him, can't say what sets him apart from everyone else. Is it really that hard? Is expressing how you feel towards someone easy or hard based on how you were raised? Or is it something inside? How should love be expressed? Should it be hidden, or like the fairies in Shakespeare's play should it be expressed through any means possible? Life is too short to keep love hidden, or being afriad of it.

Family

I was talking to my mom today about Thanksgiving and what's going on, so far nothing is planned. Thanksgiving day my brother works, but is off friday, but mom works, she is off saturday, but B has to work at 3, then I come back to school on Sunday. So we need to figure out a day when the entire family can actually be in the same house at once.

After talking to mom I realized I haven't talked to B since Halloween, and before that we only talked off and on while he was off and I wasn't in class or studing. "B" and I have always been close growing up and it's weird not talking to him or seeing him everyday, but when we do see each other it's great. Though he have different interests we seem to always find a common ground through them. Though we are different, in some ways were are alike. For so many years, even to this day people think we are twins (he is 11 months, 3 weeks older than me). We both enjoy the oddest of things and have a "sick" sense of humor (but then so do some of my friend Jeremy I thinking of you: MOO). One night he called to tell me his cat (my cat's brother) was trying to be a werecat. They were watching a show about werewolves and his cat (Wally) looked at the TV, at B, back at TV and then started biting him. HAHA. We would do the craziest things when we were younger, and somehow he could talk me into anything. You know how in cartoons, they pick people up my their hand and leg, then twirl them around let go and the person slides ever so nicely in the grass....Yea doesn't happen in real life. I went crashing into the bookshelf.

Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble. I realized today, how much we have grown apart and yet closer at the same time. We may still fight from time to time, but I'm glad to know he will always have my back no matter what. Aside from my dad, he is the best guy in my life. I don't know what I would do with him.....Aggro Fish is a forum he created for a computer game he plays....

Poetry Reading

Tonight was my first poetry reading, sort of. The creative writing class held a poetry reading with a guest speaker of Rick St. John. I highly enjoyed his reading and bought a book "Pure Inconstancy of Grace," afterwards three of my professors read their poetry which was interesting to say the least. Then it was the class's turn. Now by the time the first person in our class read I had butterflies. The poem I had chosen I wrote last year and read in class, I only got half way because it made me cry. When I showed Heather which poem I was reading she asked "Ohh can you do it?" I prayed I could get through without tears. Finally my turn came, up on stage the light blinded me so I couldn't see the 20 some people in the audience. I read my poem and I did it without crying!! YEA for me. It was a great feeling and I want to do it again. Right now I'm in the middle of tearing my poems to pieces and rewriting some of them. The poem I read tonight was called "Crucify."

Crucify

Crucify, crucify, crucify
God sent you to earth
So we shall be forgiven of all
our sins committed from birth

"Give us Barabbas" they shouted
They chose a criminal over you
They never saw what you said was
true; for you are the King of the Jews

They nailed you upon that cross
that you carried upon your back
They abused and mocked all the things you've done
Knowledge of the Messiah; they lack

Crucify, crucify, crucify
A love beyond all I can see
By the tender grace of God; you saved us all:
You died on the cross for me.

Last classes

Missy and I realized how extremely odd we are. We both were completely excited about having registered for our last 5 classes at Robert Morris, we want to stick our completed checksheets on the fridge! Luckily a little shopping got this craziness out of our systems...ok I went shopping and Missy looked for baby shower stuff For J.D and Suzie. The good thing was Missy kept me away from Famous Footwear with the fact that 33 pairs of shoes is apparently enough, but I think a woman can never have TOO many shoes ;) So i ended up buying a somewaht sexy pink dress, a sexy brown top, and my other fetish which i will not disclose ;)

I have been couped up in the apartment for so long. I haven't gone out or even talked to anyone. I miss my friends, I miss talking to some of them and I miss seeing others. The other night I realized it is the things that you either took for granted or annoyed you the most that you miss. I miss high-fiving James everyday going to class, or hearing Jason drum on his desk, floor, bed, whatever he could get to. I miss the odd phone calls freshman year from Jason and Tom, or having lunch everyday with DiIanni and so so much more. Don't take friends for granted or relish in all the things they do even if it annoys the hell out of you.

Dream Job

I think I have found my dream job. It is at Vanguard University in Costa Mesa, California. The position is Graduate Admissions Counselor, meaning I would be recruiting people for the graduate programs, contacts various people, developing strategies for enrollment, coordinating special events, developing relations with churches etc. Vanguard is a school that I have applied to and was accepted to last year or so. The only reason I am not there right now is my mom. She wanted me to stay at Robert Morris, so I did. Now there is a job opening I would like to apply for as well as an MBA program I would like to apply for (MBA in English). Vanguard is associated with the Assemblies of God church, which I am a part of. I haven't gotten to go look at the campus mainly b/c i have to fly out there hah. So maybe if I go out this summer that's one of my destinations.

But again I'm not sure if I would be good at it. I have exp. in contacting important people and setting up events and things. That's something I did with the Alumni office, and public relations (one of the qualifications) is something I'm going to be doing next semester. I'm still going to apply for it either way. If I get it there is an idea for a job, if not then that's not where God wanted me to be.

I'm just not sure if God is speaking to me right now, and if he is, I don't know what he's telling me. I mean how do I know if God is speaking to me? How do I know if I am hearing him? Am I hearing God or someone else? Lots to think and pray about....

Oh prayer request: my uncle larry's cancer is active and he starts Chemotheropy this week. Pray for his health and spirit and strength for not only him and his wife, but me and my mom. Uncle Larry is our rock, be lost without him....


90's Song of the Day: "Kryptonite": Three Doors Down